i lost it all

I feel i have lost it all... I have no more firends, i have a family who thinks i am avoiding them... i feel alone, i hate feeling alone. I want to feel whole again. I thought i felt whole, i thought i had it all... where did it go... right out from under my nose, i guess... man sometimes i wish it was 4 yrs ago, i had no worries excpet my bills but i was working and my daughter... we always had fun, we never fought and i was happy. but i guess i threw that all away... and i know it was out of the proper reasons, i mean he never wasw going to change and i did... but right now i dont want to be changed, i want it all back, mom says it is normal, maybe it is the big D word that scares me, maybe i am just depressed cause the past few months i have had it good and now i feel like i have nothing... it jswt sucks, i thought i would have more to show for my life at 28, a house to call my own, a great job, some schooling, something you know... and now i am left with nothing to show but 2 kids who are always making sure mommy is happy and not being kidsw themselves.. that is no life for them. where did i take my wrong turn? why cant i find that place in my life i messed p so much that i cant fix it anymore??? is this on gonna make it better for me and them? they are my biggest concern, i want them to have better than i had in life and i am showing them no different then the struggles i went thru each and everyday of my life waiting for something to change... i followed footsteps that i dont know how to get out of, am i that far in? i just want happines i want stability i want to know everything is taken care of... but will it ever be that way?

it never stops

I know no one reads this crap but it makes me feel better to type it all out knowing it is off my chest. I never knew I could get worse. I have such bad anxiety these days that i just feel like my body does not want to be in my own body. The one person who TRUELY understands I am just waiting for him to leave me cause it is too much for him... his parents have issues and they hide them to keep up with some persona that makes no sense to me it is all a bunch of lies. I know my dad and step mom mean well but they have their own stuff to deal with and i can not completey impose on that end of it... I feel bad for my kids they are getting the raw end of this deal... their dad helps none and i am so tired of beinf the soul provider for these kids. they deserve better in life. I want to start shool and start a life. give them something I did not have from my childhood.

I want to go to school. I want to make something of myself. I want a degree and I deserve it. There is no reason I don't deserve it. Atleast now I have someone who finally supports me in all of it with no questions as long as I am happy it is all good. I needed someone like that my whole life. i got stuck with a lot of bad stuff in my life but i think i finally got it now.