Where is the light!

I just don't see it... I am scared! I Feel my tunnel is never ending, and it is very dark. NO light in the distnace to make me feel like I am doing some good. I feel like I am just causing more and more trouble, no one seems to like me around much anymore, my life is falling apart and i dont know how to stop it. I just want something good to happen, just one good thing! why am I the one getting all this crappy stuff happening? Dont I deserve to be happy too? I Work so hard, and I give to everyone else... why cant I have someone, something, anything good happen... this is when i feel at my lowest, when its like nothing will get better... I just need a little glimpse of hope, something that shows it is all worth it. I have gone thru so much shit my entire life, when is it going to change? why cant i have something good damnit... I dont want to cry anymore. I Want to smaile for real not just to pretend to everyone I am ok... I Want to laugh and be happy, i want to scream at the top of my lungs I LOVE MY LIFE!!!! but that is not happening, I have fallen deeper into my darkness and I am having a lot of trouble getting back out, I am scared I wont be able to and I Will end up staying there for the rest of my life and I cant handle the thought of that... I cry everyday wishing the tears would just wash it allaway... but it is still there... i can close my eyes and picture great things but then I have to open them again and realize it was all a dream.... THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!

My New Theme Song!

"Firework"



Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
drifting through the wind
wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
like a house of cards,
one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through-ough-ough

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

GRADUATION!!!!

WOW!!! I just got all my paperwork for graduation... coming up really fast. I have 3 weeks 1 day left of classes, then I have 180 hours of externship... WOW!!! It has seemed like forever and there were so many times I just wanted to give up. I did it... I DID IT!!!! I Am excited. I am on the edge of crying and laughing at the same time... I seriously want to!

That is all.

I just don't understand

I am having one of those nights... One of those kick you in the ass don't cross my tracks, if you do I swear I will bite your head off cause I am just that pissy kind of nights. I just have no patience... I want to scream so bad. I am ready to lock myself in the bathroom and cry... and I mean CRY!!!! I just hate nights like this... all this anger and tension, people being mean and harsh, ones who should not give attitude giving horrid attitude... someone that should talk to you about something very important making your life miserable by saying nothing at all. I just need this night to end already... Let tonight end and a new day begin.

hmmmmm

I need a recipe and i do not know how to go about finding it without getting in trouble.... i am gonna goole it and see what happens

What shall we do today?

I should be working on homework... but i dont want to... i want to be at home asleep in my bed, for some reason i am very tired. I think i slept last night. I know I had very little bed and I was sleeping with a little like cover you would use while you were on the couch. I am going to start puxhing people off the bed soon... I need me some sleeping room.

A girl is hosting one of thost passion parties from school this week, I dont know if i have a sitter #1 and #2 I dont know if i can handle all those people right now... I will end up killing someone... I Love those parties thos, I am great at the games, and winning stuff... maybe I will convince AShley to come with me or something... give me some leverage.

I talked to yet another friend i have not talked to in FOREVER, and it was the same thing, like we never skipped a beat. Y do all my good wonderful friends have to live in other cities. Sucky sucks sukerson.

I think i just dropped a carmel chip down my shirt..... CRAP

BLAH! ... and other things

Everyone around me is getting pregnant... I need to stop trying, I know we want it, but this is getting sooooo hard. Every month being dissapointed and knowing that the morning I "start" I am going to want to do nothing but cry. I hate seeing negative tests too, that is a real bummer. So maybe everyone is right, just stop trying! So I will!!!

It will prob be easier said than done, cause when you want something, you WANT it now. We shall see.

19 days to go and I am an MA extern. I am shooting for a really nice cardiologist office in PHX, and then in August I can start my ultrasound classes. Hopefully it all works out and I can get hired onto the cardio office and keep working there while i further my education. We shall see.

School girls are still school girls. It reminds me why i hated high school so much. I had very few friends in high school and the ones i did have were ususally guys. I was just that way, girls and I did not get along. And it is has not really changed. I have one GREAT friend now who I know is a true friend cause even after months of barley talking we still can pick up and have a wonderful time together out of no where.

I am so bummed that my mom is coming out for her bday to Vegas and it is during the week so I can not even go drive to see her for a day. That sucks. I wish I could, it would be sooooo much fun.

I need to go get some more music on my iPod... it is still to low on the enjoyment scale. I try to add more each week, but with everything I sometimes forget. I need to get some more suggestions again on different music from friends.

OK off to eat some cookies have a glass of milk then go to bed... dream of wonderful things to come and get up in the am and do it all over again.

Love to all
(not that anyone reads this)

Why are people so mean

Why do people have to have so much hate in them? I just do not get them, you can not live forever being so unhappy. Just do not get it. I know i have had my fair share of downs, but i am not hateful towards other people. Just try to be happy just once, see where it gets you, it doesn't hurt really, and no one will know if you don't like it. But others have to live with you in this world you might as well try to be nicer to them along the way.