I just don't understand that logic

Why wouldn't this bring everyone joy? Why is everyone so upset and against us and our choices? People say that they want what makes you happy but when it comes down to it, do they really or are they just selfish? WE are happy, we want this... maybe you need to just accept it. Then again maybe if you can't except it maybe you do not need to be a part of it. We can make it with out you, probably better than you want us too. You want us to need you to make it in life. If you didn't you wouldn't always be all about us failing. In your eyes this is exactly what we are doing, failing. Well guess what, we are gonna do it. We are gonna be happy and we are gonna make it. So like it or not, we are doing it. Just know in the end, since you didn't support us and you looked down on us, you have no say in what we do from here on out, and that includes seeing this wonderful baby we are about to bring into this world. Sucks to be you

the day is so far away

I just can not help but be soooooo excited about July 29th. I am ready to be his wife. I can not wait to walk down the isle and see his face when he sees me. Things are coming along so wonderfully, except the mother-in-law issues. I just want it to stop with her. I deserve a wonderful wedding and I Will have what I want. Funny thing is I am not even asking for a huge wedding, I Want a small family and friends event where we just have fun. I am gonna dance me butt off.... wait that is not a good idea it is one of my best assets (get it LOL) I just can not wait. My Matron of Honor is such a wonderful help, I don't think I could do any of this without her.

Externship is like half way over, I am loving it. I know it takes me a lil bit of time to get things but I try so hard to get all of this. I can not wait til graduation. This is such a huge deal for me, and it is so close...

ok head hurts really bad, I needed to talk to my empty world. Night

Which are you?

It amazes me how people are. You have people that will only do what other people do, people that do it all, and people that finally realize that those people are only doing what they are doing... why would you want to be a follower... why would you want to give your life to someone else to determine? Not me, I love my life, it may be a little rough but it is still mine. How can people just sit back and wait around for someone else to make the choice for them? I used to be like that, in high school once... then I got tired of it, I got tired of letting someone else tell me what to wear and what to eat, what to say, who to be friends with... that just was not me. So i turned around one day (this is a serious true life situation) and looked this girl in the face and told her "shut up, I will do what I want to do." I remember this night vividly, a famous rapper had been shot, I Was going to a dance at my high school for the first time... WOW what a night, they snubbed me at the dance and we were never the same after that... She was the type that needed to tell someone what to do or her life was not complete. I am sure she is married now and bosses him around too...

Point is: Live live your way, not someone else's. It will be way more exciting in the long run.

Where is the light!

I just don't see it... I am scared! I Feel my tunnel is never ending, and it is very dark. NO light in the distnace to make me feel like I am doing some good. I feel like I am just causing more and more trouble, no one seems to like me around much anymore, my life is falling apart and i dont know how to stop it. I just want something good to happen, just one good thing! why am I the one getting all this crappy stuff happening? Dont I deserve to be happy too? I Work so hard, and I give to everyone else... why cant I have someone, something, anything good happen... this is when i feel at my lowest, when its like nothing will get better... I just need a little glimpse of hope, something that shows it is all worth it. I have gone thru so much shit my entire life, when is it going to change? why cant i have something good damnit... I dont want to cry anymore. I Want to smaile for real not just to pretend to everyone I am ok... I Want to laugh and be happy, i want to scream at the top of my lungs I LOVE MY LIFE!!!! but that is not happening, I have fallen deeper into my darkness and I am having a lot of trouble getting back out, I am scared I wont be able to and I Will end up staying there for the rest of my life and I cant handle the thought of that... I cry everyday wishing the tears would just wash it allaway... but it is still there... i can close my eyes and picture great things but then I have to open them again and realize it was all a dream.... THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!

My New Theme Song!

"Firework"



Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
drifting through the wind
wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
like a house of cards,
one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through-ough-ough

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

GRADUATION!!!!

WOW!!! I just got all my paperwork for graduation... coming up really fast. I have 3 weeks 1 day left of classes, then I have 180 hours of externship... WOW!!! It has seemed like forever and there were so many times I just wanted to give up. I did it... I DID IT!!!! I Am excited. I am on the edge of crying and laughing at the same time... I seriously want to!

That is all.

I just don't understand

I am having one of those nights... One of those kick you in the ass don't cross my tracks, if you do I swear I will bite your head off cause I am just that pissy kind of nights. I just have no patience... I want to scream so bad. I am ready to lock myself in the bathroom and cry... and I mean CRY!!!! I just hate nights like this... all this anger and tension, people being mean and harsh, ones who should not give attitude giving horrid attitude... someone that should talk to you about something very important making your life miserable by saying nothing at all. I just need this night to end already... Let tonight end and a new day begin.

hmmmmm

I need a recipe and i do not know how to go about finding it without getting in trouble.... i am gonna goole it and see what happens

What shall we do today?

I should be working on homework... but i dont want to... i want to be at home asleep in my bed, for some reason i am very tired. I think i slept last night. I know I had very little bed and I was sleeping with a little like cover you would use while you were on the couch. I am going to start puxhing people off the bed soon... I need me some sleeping room.

A girl is hosting one of thost passion parties from school this week, I dont know if i have a sitter #1 and #2 I dont know if i can handle all those people right now... I will end up killing someone... I Love those parties thos, I am great at the games, and winning stuff... maybe I will convince AShley to come with me or something... give me some leverage.

I talked to yet another friend i have not talked to in FOREVER, and it was the same thing, like we never skipped a beat. Y do all my good wonderful friends have to live in other cities. Sucky sucks sukerson.

I think i just dropped a carmel chip down my shirt..... CRAP

BLAH! ... and other things

Everyone around me is getting pregnant... I need to stop trying, I know we want it, but this is getting sooooo hard. Every month being dissapointed and knowing that the morning I "start" I am going to want to do nothing but cry. I hate seeing negative tests too, that is a real bummer. So maybe everyone is right, just stop trying! So I will!!!

It will prob be easier said than done, cause when you want something, you WANT it now. We shall see.

19 days to go and I am an MA extern. I am shooting for a really nice cardiologist office in PHX, and then in August I can start my ultrasound classes. Hopefully it all works out and I can get hired onto the cardio office and keep working there while i further my education. We shall see.

School girls are still school girls. It reminds me why i hated high school so much. I had very few friends in high school and the ones i did have were ususally guys. I was just that way, girls and I did not get along. And it is has not really changed. I have one GREAT friend now who I know is a true friend cause even after months of barley talking we still can pick up and have a wonderful time together out of no where.

I am so bummed that my mom is coming out for her bday to Vegas and it is during the week so I can not even go drive to see her for a day. That sucks. I wish I could, it would be sooooo much fun.

I need to go get some more music on my iPod... it is still to low on the enjoyment scale. I try to add more each week, but with everything I sometimes forget. I need to get some more suggestions again on different music from friends.

OK off to eat some cookies have a glass of milk then go to bed... dream of wonderful things to come and get up in the am and do it all over again.

Love to all
(not that anyone reads this)

Why are people so mean

Why do people have to have so much hate in them? I just do not get them, you can not live forever being so unhappy. Just do not get it. I know i have had my fair share of downs, but i am not hateful towards other people. Just try to be happy just once, see where it gets you, it doesn't hurt really, and no one will know if you don't like it. But others have to live with you in this world you might as well try to be nicer to them along the way.