WOW

So I noticed today that I have been separated/divorced from my ex for over 3 yrs now.... WOW!  I don't know where the time went. Then I stopped and looked at where my life is now, three years after deciding to make a better life for myself. I am a few steps closer to that, but at the same time still stuck where I do not want to be. So what do I do to change that? I am going to school to get a better education to get a great job, I am trying my hardest to make a better life for my kids. I am not 100% successful at that one. I feel like I am still letting them down, like I could still do better. I don't have a job, so I have no money. I am in a living situation that I hate down to my core, and I am not sure I want to be with the person I am now with. Do I stop here and say ok well I have what I can get for now? I make my own choices in life and I really do not know which ones to make. I wish there was a magic wand that made it all better, I say that a lot. My life's ambitions are not working exactly like I want them to. I am generally happy, but not fully happy. I try to live my life the way I want to but you can't always do that, life is not that kind all the time. Maybe I am just asking for too much too soon. Maybe I should just keep doing what I am doing and keep on truckin... I have my kids, I have my health and I have my music. I can't keep kicking myself in the ass just because I have this cake sitting in front of me and I Want to take a big bite out of it. One day all of my dreams will come true and I am sure then I will not even know what they are in front of me.

Love to all, hope you know where you are and what you want!

what to do?

I hate being an adult lately. It really does suck. So many choices I have to make so many things I have to do. I don't know where I will even be in a weeks time and I know I have to figure out soooo much right now. What is best for my kids what is best for myself. I wish there was a magic wand that made it all better. Grrrrrrrrrrrr

NEw Day

Today is a new day... WEll everyday is a new day, but today feels different. I woke up and felt something differnt. I don't know what it is, but something is gonna happen. Maybe I will finally win the lottery, no no wait you have to play to win.... Ok maybe I am not gonna be rich, maybe I will have a day where I don't want to smack someone stupid, maybe I will hear from someone that I have not talked to in a long time. SOmething is gonna happen. (I would like to get some money tho LOL)

Finished another set of classes yesterday. I know i have 2 A's, I am waiting on my last grade to be posted. I  hope it is an A cause I don't want to mess up my GPA. I have worked my butt off for my grades. I am ready for 3 new classes. I get to start injections this time around... oooooo I get to poke people LOL.

ok off to do something

yet again

yep here I am again, laying awake, practically alone, thinking about stuff I shouldn't be thinking about... This is my life! I have this weird way of always having something wrong, and I am a little tired of that. I just want for ojce to have a simple day maybe a week, even better a month of good, no drama no issues. Maybe it is not just me, maybe I am not the only one that goes through this all the time... I wonder...

I heart music

yes I really do. I love music. It calms me, helps me when I am down. Takes away my anger, gives me a release in life, comforts me, says exactly what I need to say without me saying it out loud. How can you not love music. It is good for your soul. If I could I would listen to music all day and all night. Maybe I would be smarter, they have to have some study about that. I may have expressed this before, I just have to do it again. Music is great, for all. I am sitting here studying and listen to music and I actually feel like I am getting more of it and I feel like I am being productive all because I have my music to keep me going... The TV is just distracting (so is my blogs and twitter) and I just ignore it and pop in my headphones and I am in my own world. IT IS GREAT!!!

trying...

I don't know why it is so hard to concentrate today. I am trying really hard to focus in this information, and i keep drifiting off. The words look like gibberish and they make me more and more confused as I read more... I know I have a lot on my mind, but that usually does not hinder my ability to focus on a book to make a good grade on a test... maybe I need a break.... I keep taking breaks, it is not helping. I keep looking at the clock, wondering when 3 is going to hit, cause maybe then I wont feel so blah. I don't know how that will change any of it.

I really do have a lot on my mind. Wonder how others are doing today, missing certain people too much that it hurts. Trying to still figure out this choice of where to stay on my vacation. Why is the dog barking? There is no one here but me and a sleeping man. Ah the sun is changing and hitting my eyes through the window.

I need help, I really do, I need to find an outlet and get this frustration out of my system...

Without You

If I had my way I'd spend every day right by your side
And if I could stop time, believe me I'd try for you and I
And each moment you're gone, it's a moment too long in my life
So stay right here, right now
'Cuz without you I'm a disaster (the moment you go)
And you're my ever after
Just thought you should know cuz I need to know your answer (just say you'll stay with me)
I want you to say you're gonna stay with me (just say you'll stay with me)
I die every day that you're away from me

If the world ceased to spin, you could start it again with just one smile
And if the seas turn to sand with the wave of your hand, it would rain for miles
But the thought of you gone makes everything wrong in my life, so stay right here, right now

'Cuz without you I'm a disaster (the moment you go)
And you're my ever after
Just thought you should know cuz I need to know your answer (just say you'll stay with me)
I want you to say you're gonna stay with me (just say you'll stay with me)
I die every day that you're away from me

My heart breaks with every beat, I can't explain what you do to me
So just say you'll promise me, please, take me if you ever leave
But the thought of you gone makes everything wrong in my life, so stay right here, right now

'Cuz without you I'm a disaster (the moment you go)
And you're my ever after
Just thought you should know cuz I need to know your answer (just say you'll stay with me)
I want you to say you're gonna stay with me (just say you'll stay with me)
I die every day that you're away from me

So just say you'll promise me, please, take me if you ever leave
My heart breaks with every beat, I die every day that you're away from me

Another day, but no dollar...

I have to do a lot before Christmas. Boy did I NOT know what it took to plan a simple 3 day trip to Vegas. Finding the right hotel, making sure there is a show going on, figuring out what it is all gonna cost.... I need to get this figured out soon tho cause I AM GOING!!!!!

Today was not very produtive per-say, but it was a day. I did make the bed with clean sheets, that was a lot of work. I... ummmmmm.... I Watched cartoons, that was FUN! wow my day was not productive at all... that is ok, I don't get many of those these days.

I need to go work on Anatomy tho and get working on the lymphatic system, not to mention those senses... Here we go

Meow

Can't Wait

A lady came today to do a physical on Vito, and I am getting more and more excited to get done with school. I love all the things I Am learning and preparing myself for. The wonderful opportunities I am setting myself up for. The people I can help in the end of all of this. When I started I was thinking about going into ultrasound for abdominal area, but yesterday I was watching cardiac ultrasounds, and I have to say it AMAZED me. So I might be changing my mind on my final decision for all of this. I have a little while so I can still ponder it all, but I CAN"T WAIT!!!!!

something to ponder

why do the blue people in Avatar (no I have no clue what they are called) wear "loin clothes" to protect there bottom parts bur they wear nothing to cover their top parts? Yes I am pondering this, I don't know why, but it makes me wonder. They don't seem to have any private parts just skin. I don't get it...

love good news

love it when you get good news... Got a few good news stuffies today. Lets see I got a great big gold star for my wonderful grades at school, I got to eat an enchurito, I have a bottle of wine waiting for me, I got a phn call from a long lost friend, I got a good movie. See good stuffies. I love it! Who wouldn't?

when is enough enough?

when do you throw your hands up and give in? Do you give in or do you go the other direction? When does your heart stop breaking? Will the heart ever heal? Do I deserve to be happy? Will I ever be happy? Why did I let it get this way?

walkingdead

so if this widespread virus that kills of humans then they become walkingdead, what would you be? I would hope to be alive but in a safe place, but then again there prob isn't a safe place, so do I decide to be dead or walkingdead? Oh man this is hard... I am thankful we are a pretty healthy world, nothing huge like THAT to worry about. We have some horrible diseases, but with science we are working to cure a lot of them. I wish anyone that is I'll the best of luck in life, my biggest illness was my gullbladder, and that alone made me a mess, I can only imagine what others go through. (huge run on sentence there)

I want to go ghost hunting, I want to talk to a ghost. That would be so much fun. Yes I believe in ghosts, I think it is very possible. The pizza hut by my house is supposed to haunted, that is cool.

ok I am done babbling, sleep time!

laying around waiting

I lay here and I wonder, "what if" but only the kind that a kid would ask. "what if I put my hair clip on his nose while he sleeps?" "what if I stuck me toe in the dogs nose while she snored?" I am waiting for my nighty nite pill to kick in and I am in a playful mood with no one to play with.... Man this sucks!

I hate this

I feel like all I do is complain anymore... my life is full of complaints, it is getting a little old. I mean who wants to complain ALL the time? I love when I can say I had a great night, or school was AMAZING today, my kids were well behaved and I didn't want to cry once today. That would be the most wonderful thing in the world. But that is not my life. I do not get many good days anymore. I have to deal with horrid class work, this nagging lonely feeling even tho I am not alone, kids being brats, and all the wonderful worries of life. I Want a break, I want to not cry one day just cause i can't hold back the tears anymore. I Want to be happy, i deserve to be happy. Why is it I think i am finding my happy place and it is trampled on. The one time I am happy I can't ever have cause it is forbidden. The one person that ever made me happy can't be with me. So am I settling? Am i giving in and just letting what i don't want and do not deserve happen? Why do I constantly punish myself? Haven't I already been through enough? All these questions run through my head everyday, and I can't find the answers for them. I can't put my finger on why I am where I am. I am happy I Went back to school, but it is tough, and I don't want to give up, but it is sooooo hard. I am in a good relationship, I think i just want something I can't have. I want a life I can't have. My kids are good most of the time, they just have their moments that make it rough to work them at times. I don't have a horrible life, there are many out there that have it worse than me. I just don't know how to cope with all of it anymore. I don't know when I am supposed to say "OK, this is my life."

And Another One Bites the Dust

Today was just full of ups and downs. Did good on my tests, had some fun, now I am at my downs again. I feel all alone in my bed where I am not alone. So much distance in a queen sized bed. Any and all excuses have been made to barely touch me. Makes me feel unwanted and very unattractive. OH well I will go to bed silently and go on about my normal life. It is working for the most part. I keep up on my school work, I have my girlfriends and I have my outside friends as well that keep my company. I will take it as it is. Maybe I have settled