I hate this

I feel like all I do is complain anymore... my life is full of complaints, it is getting a little old. I mean who wants to complain ALL the time? I love when I can say I had a great night, or school was AMAZING today, my kids were well behaved and I didn't want to cry once today. That would be the most wonderful thing in the world. But that is not my life. I do not get many good days anymore. I have to deal with horrid class work, this nagging lonely feeling even tho I am not alone, kids being brats, and all the wonderful worries of life. I Want a break, I want to not cry one day just cause i can't hold back the tears anymore. I Want to be happy, i deserve to be happy. Why is it I think i am finding my happy place and it is trampled on. The one time I am happy I can't ever have cause it is forbidden. The one person that ever made me happy can't be with me. So am I settling? Am i giving in and just letting what i don't want and do not deserve happen? Why do I constantly punish myself? Haven't I already been through enough? All these questions run through my head everyday, and I can't find the answers for them. I can't put my finger on why I am where I am. I am happy I Went back to school, but it is tough, and I don't want to give up, but it is sooooo hard. I am in a good relationship, I think i just want something I can't have. I want a life I can't have. My kids are good most of the time, they just have their moments that make it rough to work them at times. I don't have a horrible life, there are many out there that have it worse than me. I just don't know how to cope with all of it anymore. I don't know when I am supposed to say "OK, this is my life."